im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
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I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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