I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
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When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
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It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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