Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
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he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
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Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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