I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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