i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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