he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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