I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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