I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
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the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
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BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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