I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
