The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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