dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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