dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
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the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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