When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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