im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize