So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
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He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
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I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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