I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
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i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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