The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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