you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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