I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
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I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
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Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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