I cockslap morals
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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