so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize