I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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