It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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