Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
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I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
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I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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