Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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