You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
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3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
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In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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