Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
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It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
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My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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