Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
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Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
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You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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