this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
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is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
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One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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