i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
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It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
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Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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