If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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