So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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