tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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