tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
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Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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