I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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