remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
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He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
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I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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