At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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