I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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