biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
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She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
The ass gains better be worth it
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