Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
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I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
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Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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