Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
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just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
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Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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