so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
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Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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