I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I am one with the molecules
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize