Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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