So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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