Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize