i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
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you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I touched a dick in church today
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but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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