I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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