If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
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Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
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Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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