No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
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This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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